Living with In-laws

Q: Do you think it is wise for a newly married couple to live with the bride’s mother (she’s single), either in the same house or in a duplex or two-family house?

A: This depends on the relationship the husband and wife have and how they get along with her mother. My wife and I married while I was still in seminary and she had her own apartment. After my year of vicarage (pastoral internship), I returned for my last year of school and we lived in the house with her widowed mother. There were certain pressures and problems, but we got through it reasonably well.

Scripture states in several places (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; and Ephesians 5:31) that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This indicates, among other things, that the man should be mature — ready to ably head the household and to support his wife physically and financially, spiritually, and emotionally. While marriage joins families as well as individuals, your primary earthly responsibility will become and remain being a good and faithful husband and hers being a good and faithful wife. The two of you need to decide how much additional family is too much and how close is too close.

It would be easier to have separate doors and locks, as in a duplex or multi-family housing. Yet if you fear that her mom will attempt to intrude on your marriage, you should make sure that if her mother is your landlady, she respects your doors, your locks, and your privacy. Otherwise, she may be tempted to use her control of the property in order to partially control your life. If you fear that this is a possibility — even if you two think that you could overcome it — do you want to allow this temptation into your mother-in-law’s heart and hands?

Remember also that both you and your bride-to-be are comfortable with the arrangement. Sometimes the in-laws end up getting along better than the blood relations, and this can also be a tremendous source of stress on a marriage. I don’t have any hard facts, but my impression over 48 years of life on earth is that this tension is most likely between mothers and daughters.

There are cultures around the world where newlyweds move in with or next door to one of the in-laws. Yet these people usually have defined roles and are prepared ahead of time to defuse conflict. If this isn’t the case with you, then I’d suggest finding other ways to put a roof over your heads or delay the marriage until you can afford your own shelter.

Scripture quoted from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version™, © 2001 by Crossway Bibles.

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Walter Snyder is the pastor of Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Emma, Missouri and coauthor of the book What Do Lutherans Believe.